Thanks.

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid.  "This", he explained, "is urine". To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste. After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth.  His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust.  But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth. After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
 

Mr. Johnson, a businessman from Wisconsin, went on a business trip to Louisiana. He immediately sent an e-mail back home to his wife, Jennifer (JenJohnson@AOL.com).

Unfortunately, he forgot his wife's exact e-mail  address and the e-mail ended up sending his message to a Mrs.Joan Johnson (JJohnson@AOL.com) of New Jersey, the wife of a preacher who had just  passed away a few days earlier.

The preacher's wife took one look at the e-mail and promptly fainted. When she was finally revived by her daughter, she nervously pointed to the message, which read:

"Hi Honey! Arrived safely, but it sure is hot down here. Your Loving Husband"
 

 Lead me not into temptation; l can find the way myself.
 

Doing this great deed

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed.

For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad.

Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad.

Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned.

Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" 

The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had 
taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her.

I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". 

"Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? 

"Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man. 
 

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions. 

Later, they passed some people that remarked, "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." They then decided they both would walk! Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey. 

Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned. 

The moral of the story? 
If you try to please everyone,
you might as well... 

Kiss Your Ass Good-Bye. 
 

      WHO IS JACK SCHITT??? 
      The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt!" Read on and you'll be able to handle the situation intelligently. 

      Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Kneedeep & Schitt, Inc. 

      Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple begat 6 children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. 

      Against her parents' wishes, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. 

      After 15 years of marriage, Jack & Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married a Mr. Sherlock, and out of devotion to her children, decided to hyphenate her last name, and became Noe Schitt-Sherlock. 

      Dip Schitt married a woman named Loda Dung, who became Loda Schitt. The couple produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt. 

      Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, inseperable thoughout childhood subsequently married the Happens brothers. The local newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding, which was quite an event. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. 

      Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He returned from his travels with his Italian bride, Piza Schitt. 

      So, NOW if someone says "You don't know Jack Schitt", you can beg to differ. You not only know Jack Schitt, but the entire Schitt list! 
 
 

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.

"But, officer," the man began, "I can explain"

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back."

"But, officer, I just wanted to say"

"And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief's at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back."

"Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."
 

A lawyer and a blonde were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The lawyer leaned over to her and asked if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired and dozing, just wanted to take a nap, so she said no and rolled over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persisted and explained that the game was really easy and a lot of fun. "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and visa-versa."

She still didn't want to play and tried to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, said, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $50" figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

That caught the blonde's attention and, figuring that there would be no end to this torment unless she played, she agreed to the game. 

The lawyer asked the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde didn't say a word, reached into her purse, pulled out a five-dollar bill and handed it to the lawyer.

Then it was the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?"

The lawyer looked at her with a puzzled look. He took out his laptop and searched all his references. He tapped into the digital cellphone via infra-red wireless connection to his modem port and searched the internet. Frustrated, he sent E-mail to all his co-workers, and friends. All to no avail. After over an hour, he woke the blonde and handed her $50. The blonde politely took the $50 and turned away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little baffled, woke the blonde and asked, "Well, so what IS the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reached into her purse, handed the lawyer $5, and went back to sleep.
 

Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, "I'd like to get you guys in now, but our computer's down. You'll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can't go back as humans.  What'll it be?"

The first priest says, "I've always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky mountains."  "So be it," says St. Peter, 
and off flies the first priest.

The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, "Will any of this week 'count', St. Peter?"  "No, I told you the
computer's down. There's no way we can keep track of what you're doing.  The week's a freebie."  "In that case," says the second priest, "I've always wanted to be a stud.""So be it," says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.

A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.  "Will you have any trouble
locating them?" He asks. "The first one should be easy," says St. Peter. "He's somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the
eagles. But the second one could prove to be more difficult."

"Why?" asketh the Lord.  St. Peter answered, "He's on a snow tire, somewhere in North Dakota."
 

A Perfect Tee Shot

A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed. Generally, he was driving his partner nuts.

Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the heck is taking so long?  Hit the ball!"

The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot."

His partner ponders this for a moment, and then replies:

"Forget it man, you don't stand a snowball's chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
 

LESSONS I WOULD LIKE TO BE ABLE TO TEACH ALL MEN EVERYWHERE:

1) The lid on the hamper does in fact open . . . you don't need to leave your dirty clothes on TOP of the hamper or on the FLOOR next to the hamper . . . they are not going to disappear forever if you put them INSIDE the hamper.

2) The number of seconds it takes your car to go from 0 to 60 mph has no correlation whatsoever to the size of any body part.

3) Cabinet doors swing BOTH ways.  You can close them just as easily as you opened them.  You can use those muscles you are always showing off.

4) Do you ever wonder why when I turn on the air conditioning, I go around the house and shut all the windows?

5) Do you ever wonder how the ice cube trays get magically refilled with ice even though the only thing you ever do with them is put them back in the freezer empty?

6) You know that magnet on the can opener that pulls the lid off the can when it is open?  That's not where we store the nice metal lids with jagged edges. We actually keep those in the garbage can . . .

7) Speaking of the garbage can, I find it really hard to believe you played basketball in high school as you claimed, since I've never seen you make the garbage can from three feet out . . .

8) And speaking of those missed shots, close really does only count in horseshoes.  If you miss the can, is it too much to ask that you walk the three feet necessary to retrieve your garbage and place it INSIDE the can?

9) Your dirty socks are pretty strong at the end of the day, but they are not strong enough to get up from the living room floor, walk into the laundry room, and still have enough energy left to jump up into the washing machine . . .

10) And they are definitely not strong enough to drop your dirty dishes off in the kitchen on the way to the laundry room!

JUST A FEW HELPFUL HINTS FROM A CARING FEMALE!  
 

Replacement Light Bulbs
328-101 Habersham Road
High Point, NC 27260
336-882-BULB (2852)

Order Line:  800-692-3051
Technical Support Line: 336-882-2854
Fax Line: 336-882-2819

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